There’s this old Brian Regan bit (and when I say “old” it’s not old, it’s not like Borscht Belt old, but it’s a bit he’s been doing for over a decade so I'm calling it “old”) where he’s talking about how ridiculous it is when nurses at the hospital ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10. If you say your pain level is at a 2, you’re not going to get any special attention (because who the hell cares that you have a 2?), but if you say it’s a 10, then you’re going to offend all of those patients who are actually in serious pain and in desperate need of medical attention.
You can watch the bit below (or, if you’re one of those people who are too busy and too important to watch stuff on the internet, I’ll explain it as best I can after the clip).
So Regan goes on to say that it’s widely accepted that breaking your femur is the most horrific, painful injury there is. And that if a patient in the ER were to say that they’re feeling a 10, someone from the femur ward might walk (or limp) down to their room and reprimand them for having the AUDACITY to claim that their pain was as severe as his.
It’s a brilliant bit and my rehashing here doesn't do it justice, but omg who cares Ev just get to the point. The point is that even though I totally agree with Brian Regan, there are secretly some super sneaky, small, nagging injuries that can be ALMOST as painful as a broken femur. I’m not talking about serious stuff like torn ACLs or shattered skulls here, but just your basic, common, everyday (all three of those words mean the same thing) sports injuries that have completely rocked our worlds.
So here, without any further prefacing, is the definitive list of the worst sports injuries you can suffer that might not be a Level 10, but sort of totally feel like it.
Getting the wind knocked out of you (LEVEL 9)
There is nothing more terrifying than the first four seconds after getting the wind knocked out of you. Life is literally sucked out of your body, and there is nothing, NOTHING, you can do about it. You try, ohhhhhhh baby do you try, gasping for any air you can hold onto, but the only thing you find are 12 dudes huddled above you, looking down at your broken, dying body. You try to tell them with your eyes, “Please help me. Please do something, good Lord is this the end?” but they know it's not that serious, and then someone who is over the age of 15 is like, “Dude, calm down. Just bring your knees up to your chest, and, there, see? you’re fine,” and you are, totally back to normal, but for those four vapid seconds you were totally gone and wondering why you never told Lauren Bronstein from Hebrew school that you were totally, totally in love with her.
NBA
Having a stiff neck (LEVEL 7)
If you’re reading this right now and rolling your eyes then you have never, EVER, had a stiff neck. It renders you USELESS to the rest of society. Just a stiff, hollow, shell of a human being who needs to do a legit three point turn anytime someone calls your name. In the mood for clam chowder? Forget about it. You need a grilled cheese sandwich (that someone made for you) held with both of your hands out in front of you as you bend your elbows at perfectly acute angles to bring the sandwich to your mouth.
In high school, my buddy Thumper missed three straight days of basketball practice with a stiff neck because he fell asleep in study hall -- and every single kid at our school made fun of him. Thumps, on behalf of the entire 1995 Lower Merion graduating class, I would like to apologize for being so unsympathetic. We were young, naive, stupid, stupid teenagers. And I’m sorry. PS I’ll never forget the time you slept over my house and spent the entire night spying on my next door neighbor, Mrs. Taggert. I’m so sorry I didn’t have binoculars for you. That would’ve been a GAME CHANGER.
Getting hit in the nose (non-blood producing) (LEVEL 3)
Sure, getting blasted in the face during a kickball game is not that troubling, but the emotional damage that follows can be traumatizing. Because as hard as you try, and as little as it hurts, there is no way to stop yourself from crying the second your nose gets nailed. There’s just something in the way the nasal passages and tear ducts are connected (I dunno, I didn’t pay attention in biology class) that is absolutely unstoppable when it comes to a giant, red, rubber ball slamming directly into your face.
“Awww man, are you alright?”
Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just got blasted in the no--
“Dude, are you crying?”
No, no. I’m fine. I just got--
“Dude, you’re crying.”
No, it’s just my nasal passag--
“Hey everybody! Look! Ole Saggy Butt Monsky is crying again!”
IT’S MY NASAL PASSAGES, OK. THEY’RE DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO THE TEAR DUCTS. WHO HERE TAKES BIOLOGY WITH MR. FLARKINS?
Stepping in water while wearing socks (LEVEL 8)
You’re at a party, you’ve got your shoes off because it’s one of those hip “no-shoes parties” where everybody’s sneaks are piled up at the door, and you get it, they’ve got nice hardwood floors in this house. Do they own? Rent? Whatever, it’s fine, it’s muddy outside, no problem, I can take off my shoes and then WAMMO you step full throttle into a puddle by the door and suddenly your life is OVER. Every step, every movement for the rest of the night is felt in that floppy, heavy, sopping wet sock. The second you get home that sock is coming OFF, but for the rest of the night you’ll just have to gut it out Kellen Winslow Jr.-style because you are a SOLDIER.
Jamming a finger (LEVEL 5)
OH MY GOD THAT SOUND. That horrific, blood-curdling sound. Why would you put your hand out in the passing lane? WHY? There’s no chicks watching. This isn't JV tryouts. This is Wednesday night hoops at the Roxborough YMCA. You’re not impressing anyone with defense, but noooooooooooo, you just had to go for that steal didn’t you, because you’re SCRAPPY. Well, have fun scrapping to wipe your butt for the next five to seven days. You can tape your finger to the one next to it. You can get one of those iron splints from CVS. But nothing helps. So enjoy that throbbing pain as you go to bed tonight, bozo.
Getting hit in the yammers (LEVEL 10)
Obviously this gets a 10. You knew it was coming. The excruciating pain and ultimate humiliation that comes with getting blasted in the giblets has been the backbone of America’s #1-rated home-video-sharing TV show for the past three decades. Frankly, I find it INSULTING that they put the word “Funniest” in the title of that program. If it has ever happened to you, you know there’s nothing funny about it. (For the record, it’s happened to me well over 87 times and I sort of enjoy it.)
Good night, everybody!