A Humble Fans Modest Proposal to Eliminate Ties in Football (Non-Baby-Eating Version)

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My friends, is there anything more odious than a
professional football game which ends in a tie? Of course there is: That “rouge” thingy
they’ve got in Canadian football. (Seriously, what the hell is that?) Beyond the rouge, however,
nothing else leaps to mind.

Donovan McNabb has been the recipient (some would argue
deservedly) of much public derision by admitting he didn’t understand how
regular-season games can end in a tie. It’s rare that these occur, true, but
perhaps our befuddled quarterback makes a good point. Does a team with a tie on its record really think it’s in their best interest to decide playoff status
based on some now freaky-deaky winning percentage that likely contains repeating
decimals and uses whatever formula that nerdy professor applied to solve Fermat’s Theorem?

Poppycock and balderdash, says I. There must
be a way to determine a clear-cut winner, and I’d like to make a few suggestions
on just how to accomplish this...


Suggestion 1:
At
the conclusion of an overtime period with no change in score, each team will
be asked to designate a player from their practice squad to take part in a
Punt, Pass and Kick competition. The winning player earns a victory for his
team, as well as a shiny medal and a coupon book good for free Happy Meals at participating McDonald's.

Suggestion 2: As
we all know, place kickers are undersized divas who don’t always justify their
salary on a weekly basis. Therefore, I say let’s put these scrawny bastards to work.
In the event of a tie score after OT, the kickers will meet in the center of
the field for a coin toss. The winner gets to choose which end of the field he
will kick from. Between the 30- and 40-yard lines on each end of the field,
five footballs will be placed on tees in random spots. The kickers then have 60
seconds to boot all five balls through the uprights.

The team whose kicker makes
the most attempts wins the game and may gain so much respect from his teammates that defensive linemen will stop fake-punching him whenever they pass him in the locker room. The loser will have to fly home
wearing a low-cut evening gown and a sign around his neck which reads, “DADDY’S LITTLE
FAILURE.” If the kicker tries to remove his sign before the plane lands, his teammates will have permission to beat the crap out of him.


Suggestion 3 (and
possibly my favorite one): Four
simple words -- HEAD COACH BREAKDANCING CONTEST. The visiting coach gets to
select the music. (My personal choices: “Apache” by the Sugar Hill Gang or
RUN-DMC’s “My Adidas.”) The coaches perform their routines at the 50-yard line,
with at least three officials judging based on technical skill, attitude and
creativity. After four minutes, the referee will determine whose skills are the
bomb, and end the competition by blowing his whistle, pointing to the losing
coach and making the “You Got Served” signal.

The crowd would thoroughly enjoy watching two middle-aged
men being forced to put down their clipboards and headsets and get funky as
only middle-aged men can do it. The music would also keep the fans in a festive mood.

Now, you might say that Andy Reid, being both fat and Mormon, would be the obvious underdog.
But I’m not sure about that; something tells me Big Red’s just itching to break
out those secret Rerun-style moves he practices in front of the bedroom mirror each
morning.

The press conferences alone would be worth their weight in gold.

Reid: “[Clears throat] All right, injuries. Me: herniated disc, a
strained lower lumbar region, and possibly several compressed vertebrae from
attempting a head spin. I go over that move several times after practice. As
I’ve said before, it’s all about execution.”

Reporter: “Coach Reid, this marks the third time in six games that
you’ve been reduced to 'chump mode.' What do you think is the reason for this?”

Reid: “[Clears throat, coughs up half-eaten cannoli] Well, I just need to go back and look at the tape tomorrow
morning. I need to put myself in better position to bust a move. I’m sure that
many of you out there in the media will say I focus too much on popping and not
enough on locking, but personally I think I have a well-balanced routine."

Commissioner Goodell, you have the power to make this happen!

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