I wish I was a good person. I really do. I wish I could judge our new kicker based on his performance on the field as opposed to his ridiculous first name. But I can't. Because the name Caleb is ridiculous. And even though my name, The Evster, is almost as ridiculous as Caleb, it's not quite as ridiculous as Caleb, which therefore grants me permission to make fun of the name Caleb, and the person attached to said name.
What happened to the days when our football heroes had macho names like Bronco, Gronko or Meatpacket Jones? The coolest kicker of the last half-century is Sebastian Janikowski, and while I’ll admit that Sebastian is not a very rough and tough name, at least he has a cool nickname: Fish Man.
The name Caleb on the other hand, ugh. It brings to mind croakies and khaki shorts. The best nickname for a guy named Caleb is Caleb Joel Osment (which you gotta admit is a pretty cool nickname for anyone EXCEPT a professional football player). In fact, if you search the Internet for “athletes named Caleb,” the first person you’ll find is former Bears and Broncos quarterback, Caleb Hanie, whose last name might be even more embarrassing than his first.
Plus, that hair...
Ugh.
Dive a little deeper and you’ll find more “Famous People Named Caleb” who are not named Caleb Sturgis.
As you can see, none of these people are famous. The number one stunna, Caleb Logan, is a 13-year-old Video Star. Number Three is listed as a Family Member (RIP Paul Walks) and Number Nine doesn’t even have a face. And then there’s Number Eight, my God Number Eight, who will kill us all immediately after this article is published.
NFL
It's not until we get to Number 19 that we find the Eagles’ newest kicker, right behind everyone's favorite TV Actor, Caleb Barwick, who is just DYING to get to puberty already.
The world’s 19th most famous Caleb is ranked 19th for a reason. Last year, he finished with a 78.4 kicking percentage, good enough for 28th in the league (out of 31 teams). This summer, he was cut from the Dolphins in favor of a guy named Andrew Franks. I’m not saying the reason Caleb got cut is because his name was Caleb, but it certainly didn’t help.
For the record, Andrew Franks went to a Division III school called RPI (which no human being has ever heard of). I looked up what RPI stands for: it’s Renssalaer Polytechnic Institute, and just like you, I don’t know what any of those words mean. Notable RPI alumni include NHL all-stars Adam “Oatesy” Oates, Daren “Darren” Puppa and literally no one else. This is by far the most interesting paragraph in this article.
But hey, maybe Caleb is a cool dude. He went to the University of Florida after all (ugh). He has an older brother who plays in the MLS (meh). And he married a former Gator cheerleader who's pictured below with Fat Joe.
Whatever, I guess ultimately it comes down to whether or not the guy makes kicks. And as of now, Caleb has made none, so I will continue to make fun of him because I am a poor, sad man who gets pleasure from putting down others. Until Caleb bangs a couple game winners and proves himself to be a reliable 50-yard boom master, I refuse to call him by his given name. Instead, I will simply refer to him in the same way that Buddy Ryan used to refer to his kickers, as, a “kicker.”
So go ahead, kicker, kick the ball.
Kick it right in Pierre Garçon’s face.
Shout out #11, Pierre Curie.
Your hair / goatee / pointy ear combo is unstoppable.