The Philadelphia Union are not just bad -- they're embarrassing.
The Philadelphia Phillies are not just bad -- they're historically bad.
Both teams have a way out of the hole. History says the Phillies will eventually take it.
The Union, on the other hand...
The city's soccer team has just one win in 11 games (and 23 in 79 games going back to 2013). They are paying half a million bucks to a goalie who will never play here again and isn't allowed in the same room as his teammates. They may be forced to ask you or me to suit up as a central defender on Sunday night against D.C. United. They have a partial owner/CEO who doubles as the general manager, who, by all accounts, was the driving force behind signing the team's greatest ever mistake. but... hey, buy some tickets, it's Star Wars pun-theme night!
A few miles up I-95, the Phillies might run away with the league's worst record before "Hittin' Weather" arrives. They're paying a combined $27 bazillion to a first baseman who is over the hill and a second baseman who trends on Twitter when he manages to scratch out a hit. But ... hey, we have mixed drinks now!
Being a Phillies fan right now is laughable at best and mind-numbing at worst. There is nothing to look forward to this summer, no stud minor-leaguer to be over-excited about, and no big signing in our future.
But, there are two positives, if you search hard enough: A willingness to spend, and the fact that we know patience will eventually run out.
The team's owners have proven that, if the situation is right, they are willing to spend money. The revenue is there and there will always be cash to spend when the time is right. They are also not going to let Ruben Amaro run his show into the ground forever. Barring an inconceivable turnaround, the ownership group will eventually tire of Amaro's misses.
Things will get better eventually at Citizens Bank Park. It just might take longer than we'd all like.
For the Union, things seem much more dire, despite playing in a sport and a league where the rules allow (and almost encourage) you to all but clear the deck every year and start with a clean slate. Because unlike the Phillies and Amaro, there is no easy way to fire the guy presiding over the current mess. Why?
Because he also owns the team.
CEO and partial team owner Nick Sakiewicz brought in the now-exiled Rais MBolhi and was absolutely incredulous when the move was first-guessed by nearly everyone. He hasn't taken questions from the press in months, and when he does emerge, he says things like "this is not acceptable where we are" while never admitting that he might be a major reason for where they are.
The Union are now in their sixth season and Sakiewicz is now on his third head coach. There has been so much player turnover that the only "original" Union player still on the roster -- Sebastien Le Toux -- was actually sent packing for a season before coming back.
At some point, when you've tried all the players and tried all the coaches, it comes time to look higher on the totem pole. For most sports franchises, you simply fire the general manager and start again with a new vision.
But that won't happen here unless Sakiewicz wants to give up power on his own, or is ordered to by majority owner Jay Sugarman.
Head coach Jim Curtin is trying his best with the players he has at his disposal. Sure, there have been lots of injuries and even a few terrible calls that have cost the team points this season.
But it's pretty clear Curtin isn't making all the decisions, just in case you can't read between the sighs every time MBolhi's name is brought up. So he ends up in tough situations, like this week, when he first said MBolhi returned from exile at the team's request, then had to backtrack when the team stated MBolhi came back on his own accord.
Nearly every question at Wednesday's press conference would have been better suited for Sakiewicz or Sugarman. But Curtin is the only one sitting behind a microphone. Some argue that Curtin -- with no head coaching experience on his resume -- is in over his head, but he is also in a lose-lose situation. He desperately needs a general manager or technical director above him with a clear direction for the club, but there's a good chance that a new person in that role would want to bring in his own head coach.
(Sidenote: The Union have also failed to capitalize on what will be a sad sports summer in Philadelphia. If this team was at least competitive, or (dare I say it) in the top tier of MLS, then this summer could have been one to remember at PPL Park. They could be packing in the crowds desperate to cheer for a winner, and at the very least, fill in some excitement until Eagles training camp kicks off.)
Most Union fans are not even advocating for the team to spend wildly -- something they have openly admitted they won't do. Sure, it would be fun to have Jozy Altidore or Clint Dempsey or at least be in on the rumor mill. But there have been plenty of successful teams in MLS history who didn't spend like crazy -- they just spend smartly.
So, while Phillies fans look forward to another long summer -- and probably a few more after that -- there is at least a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel, and the aura of success not terribly far in the rearview mirror.
At PPL Park, the only hope lies in the hands of one man, and whether he is self-aware enough to see he is the one constant in five-plus years of Union mediocrity.
For now, it looks like "City's Saddest Sports Franchise" will be the only title in the Union's future.
One they have already won in runaway style.