Lotta great storylines to talk about following game one. Carmelo Livingston bringing back the midrange jumper. Barbosa going barbonkers™. Kevin Love pump-faking, driving to the hoop and whipping a cross-court pass off the side of the backboard.
But we’re not going to be discussing any of that today. Partially because we’re not going to be discussing anything. I’m going to be the one discussing something. Because I’m the super-famous local celebrity here. I once got recognized at a South Philly bar after blowing up their bathroom (true story).
So if you wanna read 10,000 words about how the Cavs failed to defend the Warriors’ pick and roll, read Captain Boringpants Zach Lowe. But if you wanna skim content and look at stupid pictures without actually using your brain, boy have I got the photo essay for you.
So this is a dumb new thing that ESPN is doing: sticking a seven-foot high green screen behind their broadcast crew in order to tell us what we’re watching just in case we weren’t sure what we were watching. Honestly, it’s not even worth talking about because who cares. Jeff Van Gundy certainly doesn’t. That guy doesn’t care about anything. Look at him. He’s not even coming CLOSE to standing in front of the screen OR looking at the camera.
Um, Jeff? Would you mind standing in front of the green screen thingie during the pregame intro?
“No.”
No, you don’t mind? Or no you’re not doing that?
“No.”
Ok, great. Thanks, Jeff. Thanks a lot.
Look, I’ll be straight with you here. The only reason I included this picture in the first place was for all you foot fetish sickos out there to check out the triple-dipper high-heel special in the bottom lefthand corner.
Then there’s this dude:
Have you ever seen a more relaxed, completely disinterested human being in your life? He’s not paying attention to anything, let alone the six-foot seven-inch NBA powerhouse standing directly in front of him. He’s just yet staring off into the distance thinking about waffles.
In his defense though waffles are so good.
And how ‘bout that shirt?!
That actually might be Tommy Bahama. That person right there, that might be Tommy Bahama.
Also, is it me, or does Tommy Bahama look a little like my dad?
And yes, if you’re scoring at home, that is a Frida Kahlo shirt that my dad is wearing. And yes, if you look a little bit closer, that is my mom’s friend Judy’s visor that he’s holding in his right hand. And yes, the visor is plastic. And yes, it is also pink. I think he was on his way back from the beach or something. I’ve also never seen a person with flatter feet. I can’t imagine this is interesting to anyone.
This next picture is almost interesting:
Behind Ty Lue, you’ve got Marshawn Lynch hanging out with some white woman (which is very un-Marshawn Lynch-like). Plus, Marshawn’s girl has an ENORMOUS (and very tacky!) pendant hanging around her neck (and might actually be Melissa Rivers). Then there’s Marc Stein (and his magical lanyard) directly below her tweeting out some bullisht. And finally, in the bottom right hand corner, you’ve got Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman hanging out just in case J.R. Smith got a boo-boo on his shooting hand (which he did).
Speaking of J.R., where the freak was J.R. last night?!
I’m not the biggest J.R. fan. I think he’s fine. He’s wacky. He can shoot. Whatever. But can you imagine any other legitimate NBA player disappearing during game one of the #NBAFinals because they hurt their little handy-wandy?! Blow on that jawn and get back out there, duke! You’re a grown man! With tattoos! Does that lady actually look anything like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman? Probably not.
By the way, yes buttheads, I know that's not really Marshawn Lynch. I'm not that much of an idiot. I just play one on the Internet.
OR DO I?!?!?
Okay, let’s talk a little actual hoops for a sec.
I have never seen LeBron SO aggressively go to the hoop over and over and over again. Especially in the first and third quarters. By my count (which is not accurate), he only took three jump shots all game (and only one of them was a lazy turnaround that he settled for after backing Harrison Barnes down over and over again before kicking it out, and reposting, and then kicking it out again, and reposting again, and then finally fading and missing). But all of his other shots were just putting his head down and barrelling to the hoop. Me myself personally, I love that. I think he should do that EVERY TIME. I know he got stripped a bunch going to the cup. And not just by Iguodala, but by a bunch of dudes. But still, keep going to the rack, Bron Bron. They can’t stop you. Well, they did stop you. But they can’t keep stopping you. Or maybe they can. What do I know? I’m only a legitimately famous internet icon who played high school basketball with Kobe Bryant and has a father who wears shirts with Frida Kahlo’s face on it, so…
Also, I love Kyrie. I think he’s fantastic. The closest thing to Isiah Thomas I’ve seen since Isaiah Thomas. But dude needs to relax. It seems like he’s still playing for something personal. To show up Steph. To show the world that he’s the best point guard in the league. His little stutter-step, switching gears, drives to the hoop are amazing, but sometimes he just chucks the ball away or takes a stupid pull-up jumper or an ill-advised drive into someone’s chest and I’m not even really sure what I’m complaining about exactly, because he played pretty well last night, but I just don’t think he has “it.” I love the guy. Love watching him play. But something’s not quite there. Also he gets lost on defense too much. That being said, he did a great job on Steph last night. And was the game’s high scorer. But does he ever pass? Does he ever initiate the offense and get dudes in the right spots? Maybe he doesn’t have to. Maybe he’s just a scoring guard. But something’s missing. No idea what the point of this paragraph was.
Also did you see the play last night (right before Dellavedova hit Iggy in the balls) when Dellavedova tried to tell LeBron to post up Steph and as he was barking out orders to Bron Bron he got stripped from behind like a little biznitch? That guy sucks. I get it. He’s gritty. He plays hard. Blah blah blah. But he sucks. I kinda like him though. I feel bad that I just called him a bizz. He could probably whoop my ass with a shoe. Back to the pics.
I mean, have you ever in your entire life?
If you lean in even closer to that Shumpert pic, you can see Arnold Schwarzenegger Jr. and his humongo calves taking off to go get some popcorn.
Probably the blurriest pic that’s ever been published on this website. And are those Judy’s slippers?!
Regardless, great game one (even though it was a blowout). Lotta players made an impact. Iggy with his steals (and tip-dunk). Bogut getting busy. Draymond and LeBron, two of the biggest, baddest playmakers I’ve ever seen. Steph and Klay hardly doing any damage whatsoever, but still icing it in the last few minutes with back-to-back three bangers. Plus, that one no-look pass by Steph on the break to Iggsville was bea-u-tee-ful. Kevin Love banging threes, ripping boards and looking like a young Daniel Day Lewis. Tristan Thompson in pure beast mode. HARRY BARNES DOIN’ WORK. My man Barbosa twinkle stepping all over the place. STEVE KERR KARATE CHOPPING A CLIPBOARD. Sage Steele lookin’ fly as a mug. No Chris Webber.
No Chris Webber!
No Chris Webber!!!
I don’t know why I thought that tweet was so funny. I think it’s because Anderson Varejao really does look like one of those dudes who slings omelettes at hotel brunches. It could be one of my favorite tweets of all time.
Anyway, quick Andy Varejao story that’s not that interesting before we wrap this thing up.
So this past January, I got a press pass for the Sixers-Cavs game when Cleveland came to Philly. This was when Varejao was still on the Cavs and I still had a desire to make semi-decent content for this semi-decent website. So I go into the Cavs’ locker room before the game (with a camera crew) and the Cavs’ PR dudes are giving us nothing. I mean, there’s no one available. LeBron is refusing to talk to the media until after the game. Kyrie is bippin’ and boppin’ in and out of the locker room, but he’s “off limits”. J.R. Smith is taking a nap. It’s just me, a half-a-dozen reporters, James Jones, Sasha Kaun and Dandy Andy Varejao.
So I talk to James Jones for a few minutes and he’s boring as hell. Giving me the most cliché string bean answers a guy can give. Then I think about talking to Sasha Kaun but don’t because c’mon it’s Sasha Kaun. Meanwhile, Varejao is bouncing around the room, cracking jokes with the other players and coaching staff, and genuinely looking like a super interesting person despite having one of the worst haircuts in the history of western civilization. So I figure, “He’s Brazilian, he has a long neck, he’ll be fun to talk to,” and as he’s whispering a joke into James Jones’s ear and cracking him up, I approach him and ask if he can share what he’s whispering with the camera.
Immediately, the Cavs P.R. dude jumps down my throat.
“Hey! No. No. No. That’s not how it works. Shut that camera off. You can’t just go up and bombard these guys with questions.”
And I was like, “Ok. How would you like me to do it?”
And he said, “Walk up to them, ask them if they’d like to speak to you, and then if and when they give you permission, then you can start talking.”
“Ooooooooookkkkaaayyyyyyyy,” I said. (This Cavs P.R. guy was wearing cufflinks by the way. And he had like three assistants who hawked over people’s shoulders the whole time.) So I turned to Varejao, and go, “Hey Anderson, mind if I talk to you a little bit on camera?”
“No problem,” he said.
Then I asked him a bunch of questions about whether or not Brazilian fans were crazier than Philly fans and he gave me a bunch of really boring answers. And I kept digging and digging, trying to get something out of him, and he kept giving me nothing but corned beef. Eventually, I gave up and left that lame-ass locker room and went over to the Sixers’ locker room where they were playing Outkast and I got yelled at for sitting in Isaiah Canaan’s chair. Then when I got up from his chair, Hollis Thompson told me I could stay there because no one liked Isaiah. Hollis was just joking around, but I kind of think he might’ve been serious. Also Nik Stauskus had the personality of a doorknob.
For the record, the Sixers P.R. people were very nice and accommodating.
Okay, that’s it, it’s 1am, I’m going to bed.
Thanks for reading. I’ll be back with more of this stuff after game two.
By the way, Enrico, I’m gonna do this again after game two. (Enrico note: please don't.)
NBA Finals!
It’s Barbonkolous!™