Exclusive speculation on Ben Simmons's workout with Sixers by a guy who definitely was not there


Earlier today, it was reported by the Inquirer’s Sixers’ beat writer Keith Pompey -- whose job is to follow around a professional basketball team and write about them -- that Ben Simmons finally worked out for the team on Tuesday morning. 

Here is the article, IN ITS ENTIRETY, below:


That’s it. That’s the whole article. No details. No elaboration. Nothing really. Just the same opening sentence written two different ways, with one concluding statement vocalizing the writer’s opinion. Oh, and the word Osteopathic is spelled wrong. And there seems to be an extra space after the word “first” in the last sentence. But whatever, who am I to judge? I’m just your standard, world-famous, local celebrity / online personality.  

On the positive end, you can’t say that Keith wasted a bunch of words, can you? This man is ECONOMICAL with the pen, and this certainly isn’t some Zach Lowe 45,000-word blabber fest. On the other hand, Keith probbbbbbbbbably could’ve given us a little more info. Maybe kept that Sixers contact who relayed the information to him on the phone for slightttttttttly more than seven seconds. 

Regardless, he didn’t. So I have taken the opportunity now to speculate -- because who cares about facts anyway -- on how the morning workout went. 

PHILADELPHIA -- Early Tuesday morning, on a scorching hot disgusting day where most human beings (including this reporter) sweat through their underwear in less than nine seconds, Ben Simmons, the 6-foot 10-inch do-it-all Australian forward who basically can’t shoot and might not really care about winning worked out for the worst professional basketball team in the NBA. 

Although it is unclear how Simmons performed during his workout, it can be assumed (based on every single other workout that #1 picks have gone through over the past ten years) that Simmons spent the morning dribbling around like a third grader, while running and jumping and jacking up some shots with absolutely no NBA players even coming close to guarding him. 

Afterwards, Simmons and some rich white people probably went out to lunch somewhere. I can’t imagine they went anywhere on City Line Avenue -- that road is a cesspool -- and ever since Delancey Street Bagels shut down the options in that area have dwindled dramatically. I guess they could’ve gone to Larry’s, or mayyyyyyyyyyybe the Olive Garden, but c’mon, it’s much more likely that they ended up at Hymie’s or Murray’s or just skipping town all together. That’s probably what he did. That’s definitely what he did. 

If Simmons had gone downtown, to maybe wander around Rittenhouse Square after a brief stop at DiBruno Bros., he probably would’ve seen some pregnant women wearing maxi dresses and would’ve agreed to sign with the Sixers immediately, but like I said, that probably didn’t happen, which is sad. 

Regardless, the Sixers will probably take Simmons on Thursday night. At the draft. The NBA Draft. A thing that is happening on Thursday. Night. 

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