Some tips for Ben Simmons on his first day in Philly


Despite Philadelphia fans’ reputation as roughneck, lunatic, mouth-breathers, we are actually quite sensitive. Delicate little flowers in constant need of positive reinforcement. Say something bad about our city and we’ll chuck a Duracell at your dome. But take one bite of Dalessandros cheesesteak on the Jimmy Fallon Show and say “I could live in Philly”  and we will EAT … THAT … UP. 

So as Ben Simmons comes to town, I figured it might help to give a him a little advice on how to best ingratiate himself with our fans.

On Day 1, call LeBron James a punk ass B

What's the first thing you do on your first day in jail? You walk up to the biggest, toughest dude in that joint and slug him in the throat. Not me. Noooooo. I would run right to my cell and grab the biggest bedsheet I could find. But Ben, take a shot at The King and we will love you forever. Or at least until the first time you don't hustle back on defense. Then we will light your car on fire.

Wear an Andre Waters jersey to your introductory press conference, or say something positive about Buddy Ryan, or just show us in some way that you appreciate the late 80/early 90s Eagles

I got news for you, Ben, no matter what you do, no matter how many parades you lead down Broad Street, you will never be as loved as Buddy Ryan. 

I once worked with this dude who was a total piece of human garbage. Racist. Homophobic. Multiple calf tattoos. But one day, as we shared a ride to Wawa, he told me that the greatest moment of his childhood was watching Wes Hopkins break Ernest Givens’ nose. I then told him that my favorite moment was watching Seth Joyner bust up Jeff Rutledge’s facemask forcing the Redskins to put Brian Mitchell in at quarterback. We laughed, bonded, and for fifteen minutes I completely forgot about the fact that he once said that all Jews were hook-nosed, money-grubbing devil people. I haven't talked to him in 15 years, in fact I can't even remember what he looks like, but we are connected on LinkedIn and if I ever need to find someone in the Dog Sanitation business, he will be one of the first 37 people I call. 

(Editor's note: the author of this post is a handsome young Jewish boy who is, I'm sorry to tell you ladies (and Jewish mother's)... married... to a woman!)

Look, obviously Ben Simmons has no idea what Buddy Ryan's Eagles are all about. But that doesn't mean he can't lie. Make something up. Say that your dad used to sit you down and tell you stories about Eric Allen. Kind of like that whole thing where Kobe said his family used to send him tapes of Magic Johnson. No one knows if that's true. And it doesn't matter. Facts are overrated. The truth is stupid. Just tell us what we want to hear. And throw a two-handed chest pass into Danny Ainge’s face the first time you visit Boston. 

Do not, under any circumstance, live in South Jersey

Look man, you are 20 years old. You don't need to be spending your Saturday afternoons taking a jug handle around a Ramada Inn in order to meet your bros at Fishbone Grill. Live a little. Immerse yourself in the city. I'm not saying you have to go all Connor Barwin on us, and live in squalor in Point Breeze and shop exclusively at Mexican bodegas, I'm just saying that we would appreciate it if you at least gave the Society Hill Towers a shot. I know this isn’t 1955 and you can't be playing stickball in the streets like Willie Mays, but you can go to brunch. 

Don't suck

We don't need a parade on Broad Street. We really don't. Bunch of drunk people pissing all over themselves. We already get that pretty much every second of every day. Just make the Sixers relevant, Ben. Give the ball up on a two-on-one break. Block a shot with your elbow. Maybe a game on Christmas Day? 

The last three years have been so, so painful. Isaiah Canaan, Ben. Can you imagine? Isaiah. Canaan. 

Please, Ben. Be decent. You're our only hope. 

Well, Joel Embiid too. 

Is he any good? 

Please God let him be good. 

Are we going to be amazing? 

We might be amazing. 


Contact Us